Turn And Cough
by Mako Headrush
Summary: Reno has been avoiding the annual physical exam that is required of all ShinRa employees, but he finally runs out of excuses, and has to face the music - or, the doctor. He has a fear of needles, but something even worse awaits him in the exam room. Warnings: Language, Reno. Implied CloudxReno relationship, but no actual lemon in this one. One-shot.


**This was written for a word-prompt challenge - the word in question was 'examination.' I'm glad I did this, it was fun, and it's helping me recharge my brain after a rather stressful week. :)**

**Summary: Reno has been avoiding the annual physical exam that is required of all ShinRa employees, but he finally runs out of excuses, and has to face the music - well, the doctor. He has a fear of needles, but something even worse awaits him in the exam room.**

**Warnings: Language, Reno. Implied CloudxReno relationship, but no slash in this one. But, there's dirty talk because this is _Reno_, after all.**

**Usual disclaimer: Don't own, wish I did. This is written for fun, and not profit.**

* * *

"Reno." The word was uttered by Tseng with only the slightest undertone of annoyance, and an overtone of infinite patience. "Reno, you know there's no way out of this, a yearly physical is required of every ShinRa employee. Somehow you've managed to skip these every year since you _became_ a Turk, but you really can't put this off any longer. As a Turk, your health is of the utmost importance – "

"I know, sir, I know," Reno grumbled, smoothing the crumpled sheet of paper out on his desk blotter, glaring at it hatefully. It was the requisition slip for all the lab work that would be done at Reno's appointment with one of ShinRa, Inc.'s company doctors. "I hate needles, yo. Hate 'em! Rude, partner…how much blood did they take from you?" Reno asked with a shudder.

"I don't exactly remember," Rude replied, frowning. "A few vials….maybe three or four?"

"It was five, for me," Elena interjected. "What, you can't take a little prick, Mr. Tough-Guy?" Reno stared at Elena for a few seconds, and burst out laughing.

"Oh, Gaia," he murmured, wiping tears from his eyes. "Don't let Cloud hear you say that, yo."

"Shut up, Reno," Elena muttered, face bright red from embarrassment. "At least you don't have to have a pelvic exam, or a pap smear," she added, causing all of the Turks, including Tseng, to wince.

"No, at least there is that," Tseng remarked, a smirk curling up the corners of his mouth. "There is no way out of the blood tests, Reno, I'm sorry. They will be checking the usual things – cholesterol, hormone levels – "

"I bet my testosterone is through the fucking roof," Reno interrupted, snickering. Elena sighed and rolled her eyes, while Rude pretended to be very interested in the article he was reading.

"Five vials of blood, yo," Reno muttered. "Are the docs here fucking vampires, or what?" Reno muttered, complaining. He sighed heavily, resigning himself to his fate, and got up from his desk, tucking the lab slip into his jacket pocket. "Catch everyone later," he announced as he waved farewell to his fellow Turks. "I'll be back after I'm done…unless they drain all my damned blood," he added melodramatically.

The Turks' office fell relatively silent after Reno had departed and Rude looked over at Tseng curiously. He had to ask.

"Boss?" he began, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "You didn't tell Reno about the hernia exam, did you?" Elena began to titter, and Rude glared at her.

"No," Tseng said simply. "I did not. Rude, do you honestly think Reno would have gone willingly to this appointment, had he known? It was hard enough getting him over his fear of needles."

"Do you have anything for me to do, sir?" Rude asked Tseng. "Anything? Preferably in another part of the building? Because I do not want to be around when he comes back from the doctor."

* * *

The examination room was cold – these rooms were _always_ too cold, Reno thought, annoyed; it just added unnecessarily to his sense of discomfort, he felt. They did this on purpose, Reno thought, in fact he was sure of it.

"Plus, I'm _naked_," he muttered to himself, lanky arms wrapped around his torso as he rubbed them briskly, trying to warm himself. "I'm naked, and Cloud is nowhere to be found." He sighed pitifully, wondering what on earth he had done to deserve this horrible fate, when he remembered that Rude and Tseng had undergone the same examination, and they'd come out of it relatively unscathed. _And Elena….man, poor Elena. At least I didn't have to go to the box doc, like she did._ Not that Reno had any earthly idea of what was involved in a pelvic exam for a female, but according to Elena, it was not pleasant.

After the nurse had taken Reno's vital signs, including his blood pressure, weight, and temperature reading, she noted everything on Reno's chart and left the room, informing him that the doctor would be in soon thereafter. Shortly thereafter, the doctor entered the room, a small manila folder under one arm, and a laptop in the other. "Good afternoon, Reno," he said warmly. "How are you feeling, any complaints?"

"Nah, except I'm _cold_," Reno complained, still rubbing his arms. "Health is fine, though."

"You've gained a bit of weight since the last time you were in here for an injury….which was a few months ago," the doctor murmured, thumbing through Reno's medical history.

"I have a boyfriend. He cooks," Reno replied, as if that explained everything.

"Oh," the doctor replied indifferently. "Well, you're by no means overweight; your BMI is still on the low end of things, so keep that up."

"I will, yo," Reno said, legs swinging nervously over the edge of the exam table. "I'm very active." _I eat horribly, but I don't have to tell him that, I have the metabolism of a ferret_, Reno thought, smirking.

"Any problems eating, sleeping, breathing?" the doctor asked, placing the stethoscope over Reno's chest. "Now breathe in for me…"

"No," Reno answered in between breaths. "Sleep like a rock, yo. Breathing's fine – "

"Do you still smoke?" the doctor said sharply.

"Ah….yeah, I do," Reno replied sheepishly. "But I've cut down."

"Well, ShinRa sponsors a smoking cessation program, here's a brochure," the doctor said, handing Reno a pamphlet. He continued with his questions as he tested Reno's reflexes, tapping each knee with a rubber-tipped hammer. Reno glanced at the pamphlet, intending to throw it into the trash once he'd left the exam room.

"Do you consume more than two or three alcoholic drinks a week?" the doctor inquired, checking Reno's pulse.

"Of course I do, I'm a Turk," Reno snapped. The doctor regarded him curiously.

"Well, I suppose it's a good thing we're checking your liver panel," the doctor quipped. "Sex life all right?"

"Never better, yo," Reno replied quickly; face flushing slightly when he thought of just how _much_ better it was, now that he had someone besides his right hand to share his nights with.

"I'll need you to stand, and put your arms out to the side," the doctor told Reno. He nodded agreeably as he got off of the exam table, and stood in the middle of the room where the doctor indicated. Reno let out a gasp as the doctor's gloved hand wandered underneath the thin hospital gown, cupping his balls.

"Hey! That's my _junk_!" Reno exclaimed, glaring at the doctor.

"Testicular exam," the doctor informed him coolly. "Turn and cough. You've never had this done before?"

"I, uh….kind of skipped out on these exams the past few years," Reno admitted, making a face as the doctor felt around for lumps. "I just don't like doctors, yo. Ah, no offense, man."

"None taken," the doctor replied, chuckling. "All right, now turn and face the table, hands out, and spread your legs apart slightly." Reno did as he was told, flinching as he heard the telltale _snap_ as the doctor adjusted his latex gloves. Then, another odd sound that sounded familiar, though Reno couldn't quite place it.

"Whoa!" Reno cried out as he felt the doctor's gloved, lubricated finger invading his entrance. "What the _fuck_, doc! Using the whole fist?" he demanded.

"It's a rectal exam," the doctor informed Reno. "To check for prostate cancer. Apparently you've never had one of these either?" he remarked dryly.

"No, and a little fucking warning would have been nice," Reno retorted, grimacing as he felt himself being spread apart even further by the doctor's probing digit. "Usually, someone has to buy me dinner before I let them get this far," he wisecracked.

"Now, I'm just going to feel for your prostate, and we'll be done," the doctor promised.

"Man, you're not even close to it," Reno muttered, spreading his legs apart a bit further. "But don't worry. Cloud couldn't find it at first either. You know, when I was dating chicks, I never could find the clitoris. Maybe that's why I had better luck with dudes," he added, cackling.

"And, we're done," the doctor replied, finally removing his hand, the rectal exam complete. "You can go next door to the lab to have your blood drawn."

"All done?" Reno echoed. He quickly pulled his clothes back on, rubbing his ass. "Damn, I feel like I just cheated on my boyfriend or something," he muttered as he left. "I can't believe Tseng and Rude didn't warn me about _this_. That ain't fucking cool. I'll get them back for it….someday." He grinned as he sat down in the lab and rolled up his sleeve, holding his arm out for the phlebotomist to draw his blood.

_Just a little prick_…Reno thought with a snicker, recalling Elena's slip of the tongue. Suddenly, Reno felt the blood drain from his face, and he slumped over in the chair in a dead faint.

Fifteen minutes later, Tseng was sitting by Reno, a cup of orange juice in his hand. "Here, drink this," he said, offering the juice. Reno took and sipped it eagerly.

"I fainted," Reno said, rather redundantly.

"Yes, so I was told," Tseng replied dryly.

"Yo, why didn't you tell me about the ass-grab?" Reno demanded, staring at Tseng. "I'm starting to think these doctors get into medicine just because they're twisted ass freaks."

"Reno," Tseng murmured, shaking his head. "Back to work now, break's over. See you back at the office," he announced before taking his leave.

"Break?" Reno echoed, incredulous. "That was no fucking break, I was passed _out_! I didn't even get to enjoy it!" Reno sighed again, and looked at his cell phone to check the time.

"Looks like today I'm _not_ clocking out early," he grumbled.


End file.
